NFL Week 2 Picks

So, the picture above is of one of my closest friends.  He also happens to be one of the biggest Ohio State fans I know.  So, on last Saturday, he did what any Tressel-loving fan would do.  He geared up in his best sweater vest and red tie, tossed on some glasses. spray painted his hair gray and headed to an Ohio State-USC watching party.

For the first 59 minutes, everything was great, until…Ohio State lost.

I’m pretty sure a few cocktails helped him through the pain, but as he headed to his car that night, I can’t help but think he felt a little silly.

It reminds me of my first week picking games against the spread here on everyone’s favorite website.  Through 8 games, I was 8-0.  After the full slate, 8-8.  And, oh yeah, the jokes were less than stellar.

So, like my friend, The Silver Fox, learned, what starts swimmingly always doesn’t end up that well. 

As always, please take these with a grain of salt.

Oakland (+3) over Kansas City:

The world’s oldest man died this week.  Al Davis, slowly but surely, creeps up the list.  Seriously, is there a bigger mess in professional sports?  Their owner/GM is possibly senile, possibly just crazy and certainly can’t use the internet.  Their head coach is totally unqualified, looks like a professional wrestler and caused serious damage to one of his assistant coach’s face during training camp.  Shockingly, some bad late-game decisions cost them a week one upset.  For some reason, I’m picking them to beat the spread over an equally bad KC team.  AFC West = not good.

Tennessee (-6.5) over Houston:

Prediction: Vince Young will re-establish himself as a solid NFL quarterback again this season.  Aside from the pseudo-suicide attempt last year (and really, who among us hasn’t gone down that road), he’s done nothing but win (usually ugly) in the NFL.  Plus he’s got two huge factors working in his favor. 

1.  He is the backup QB behind a 36-year old reformed alcoholic who emerged from NFL purgatory to lead his team to a successful playoff season last year.  The odds of a repeat are not in his favor.  Also, what are the odds of two 35+ year old QB’s both repeating miraculous seasons the following year?  Since Kurt Warner is my QB on two fantasy football teams, here’s betting against Kerry Collins. 

2. Steve McNair karma.  If Young wasn’t motivated to prove his doubters wrong before, when his father figure/mentor was killed this off-season, that had to up the ante.  On a side note, this story of Vince Young showing up to escort McNair’s youngest sons at a father/son breakfast was pretty cool. 

New England (-3.5) over NY Jets:

Remember last week when I said that Mark Sanchez would struggle in week one and the Jets would get boat-raced by the Texans?  Yeah, that was awesome.  Almost enough to make me realize the error of my ways and pick the Jets this week.  Except…  Trash talking the Patriots in Week 2?  Really?  After the Pats survived 58.5 sloppy minutes of football with a semi-miraculous Tom Brady comeback, they should have the perfect storm of motivation and momentum going.  Even Buddy Ryan’s son should know better.

Green Bay (-9) over Cincinnati:

Anyone else tired of Chad Johnson/Ochocinco?

Minnesota (-9.5) over Detroit:

Adrian Peterson is good.  Seriously.  Anyone else think there are some similarities to the 1997 Broncos starting to crop up with this team?  Aging, overrated (at this stage) gunslinger quietly stepping aside to let young, game-changing running back lead his team to glory?  Brett Favre should know the story well, seeing as he watched the John Elway/Terrell Davis-led Broncos unseat his potential Green Bay dynasty.  Just saying…

New Orleans (Pick) over Philadelphia:

Has a Head Coach/QB combo been more fun to watch in recent memory than Sean Payton and Drew Brees?  It’s like the “Greatest Show on Turf” St. Louis Rams minus the overbearing arrogance and annoying nickname.  In Philly, how do you think Donovan McNabb feels this week?  He was clearly looking over his shoulder at Michael Vick before, and now his broken rib brought (metrosexual?) Jeff Garcia back to town…this is not going to end well. 

Atlanta (-6) over Carolina:

Looking good, Jake Delhomme.  Looking good…

In other news, not only did Delhomme get very poorly-timed 5-year, $42.5 million dollar contract extension this off-season, he also got an endorsement deal for this product:

St. Louis (+9.5) over Washington:

I’ve got nothing here.  So, in honor of Washington, where the Greatest Basketball Player Ever ill-advisedly finished his career (it’s a stretch), I pose the following question:  Which burned more bridges, Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech, or this one?

Arizona (+3) over Jacksonville:

In a fantasy league, I have both Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin.  In week one, Prestige Worldwide scored 43 points.  I’m banking on a huge comeback from the Arizona offense this week.  I know Todd Haley’s gone, but it’s really hard for me to believe that the guy Bill Parcells once donkey-punched and dismissed back to the sideline on national TV was that instrumental in the Arizona offense. 

San Francisco (-1.5) over Seattle:

Who needs Michael Trabtree?

Tampa Bay (+5) over Buffalo:

Week one of the Terrell Owens experiment went off without a hitch.  Heartwrenching loss?  Check.  T.O. already complaining about not getting enough touches?  Check.  Local kids spray painting graphic portrayals of the male anatomy in Leodis McKelvin’s lawn?  Check.

Okay, that had nothing to do with T.O., but I think we all agree that needed to be worked in somewhere.

Denver (-3) over Cleveland:

Most boring game of the week?  Since I have nothing, here’s this week’s installment of “Uncomfortable Conversations Between My Mother and Me”:

When I was 7, my Mom and I were at the McDonald’s drive-thru when I saw a sign that said “condiments available upon request”.  Being an inquisitive youngster, I asked the following question:

Me: What is a condiment?
Mom: Well, it’s something a man puts over his privates when…
Me: They sell those at McDonald’s?

True Story.

Baltimore (+3) over San Diego:

Josh Lewin’s screaming on Sportscenter waking me up on Monday morning will have to be delayed for another week.

Pittsburgh (-3) over Chicago:

It’s it me, or is it really fun to root against Jay Cutler?  He just looks like that guy at your high school that everyone tolerates, but doesn’t really want to be friends with, but you put up with him because he knows all the popular girls and is usually able to illegally purchase alcohol.  I’m thinking that’s how the rest of the Bears think of  Cutler.  Somewhere, Josh McDaniels is smiling.

NY Giants (+2.5) over Dallas:

So, I’m moving into my first house this weekend.  Sunday, to be exact, which is also the day the Cowboys move into their new stadium.  I think it’s kind of a cool coincidence for a lifelong Cowboys fan.  I also use this interesting tidbit to distract me from the fact that my team is probably going to lose to a superior Giants squad, all my Giants-loving friends are going to subtlety, but repeatedly, rub it in, and my wife probably isn’t going to be happy when I start throwing things against the walls in our new house.  Rock on.

Indianapolis (-3) over Miami:

Miami had a good season last year.  They’re not that good of a team this year.  They shouldn’t be just a 3-point underdog to Indianapolis.  Of course, I shouldn’t be picking games, so we all win. 

Do I get bonus points for making it through 1264 words without a Kanye West joke?  Suck it, Leno.