Dear John…I mean OSCAR

9 03 2010

Wait not him.  The other Oscar.

Dear Oscar,

So I find myself this morning bored out of my mind.  Sadly this malaise has a lot to do with you.  Yeah, you once again tricked me into watching all nine hours of your show.  Why, do you keep doing this to us (by us I mean the other people in my head)?   We obviously love you and have been tuning in since we first had a chance.  What do we get for this constant and consistent love?  Another long and boring show.

Ok, so that is a bit harsh, but I had expected something new.  Yeah Steve and Alec were good, when we actually saw them.  Lets keeps this simple.  5 things I’m sad you did.  5 things I’m happy you did.   and then 5 things for you to hopefully start up for the 83rd Oscars.  You know a little pro/con list and then my final plea on how to save this old friendship.

The things I wish you hadn’t done.

5.   WHY the hell did you invite Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Hanna Montana.  So Brad Pitt = not there.   Or how about where the hell was Emilio Estevez? Supposedly Emilio was of shooting for his film,  The Way.  You drag poor Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy and Mac from the grave.  BUT Mr. Cool can’t show up?

4.  What is up with the pre-show folks?  And do you prep these people?  Kathy Ireland sounded better in Necessary Roughness then on Monday nights pre-oscar red carpet show.  Also it sort of caused a bit of a stir!

3.  Don’t axe Cohen for this lame reboot.

Hey Ben, we would have liked it better if you didn’t give in to SCARED folks.  Would have like to see this man with you.

Yeah that duo would have worked BEAUTIFULLY.

2.  Stop panning to celebs who look bored.  It reminds us that we’re bored as crap too.  I understand the director of the show has a lot to deal with and he had at least 9 different cameras to go to (the crane like camera was cool).  But you’ve got a ready screen before you say Camera whatever, LOOK AT THE DAMN THING.  George Clooney, Charlize Theron, Morgan “my poor left hand” Freeman, Quentin “I’m a bit drunk” Tarantino, and WHY the shot of Samuel Jackson when you’ve discussed Precious…omg don’t just find the token black guy.  I understand the “crowd” shot works and even the “celeb” shot works, but these bastards have become immune to a camera in there face.  Instead capture the gold from a far, you took the time to show us all your cool angles with that great bit with Tyler Perry.  He explained the whole close up, medium and far shot thing to us “normal” people.  So trick it up and show us more of the actual fans and the nose bleed folks.  Have a camera up in the nose bleeds and have them zoom in on the back of Christoph Waltz’ head.  That would have been fun.  Or how about more backstage shots, those are always fun!

1.  Neil Patrick Harris opening the show!

Let me get this straight (funny cuz NPH is not) you have us hooked with Alec and Steve, but then give us NPH?  I liked his shout out to Harold and Kumar, but the rest seemed like a waste.  You’ll let Wolverine dominate last year’s show but you steal precious time away from the great duo.  WHY?  I remember the days when Billy Crystal would open, present, joke, roast, save, cook, clean and then close the house down.  You’ve  got two geniuses up there and you don’t even allow them to freaking open the show!!

Let me tell you what I liked.  So you don’t go all basket case on me.

5. Gabs you are indeed so Precious to us.

Thanks to the Huffington Post for catching this GOLD.   She doesn’t have a publicist filter like the rest of the celebs and we LOVE IT!!

4.  George drinking is always quality.

3.  Steve Martin’s  joke to Christoph Waltz.  Steve and Alec had a lot of good zingers in there monologue.  There joke about gift giving from Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron was genius and a nice jab at Toyota’s recent issues.  Overall I was disappointed at how little of the duo was used.  When they were on though they were ON.

2.  The Kanye moment was the only real interesting part of the show.  Especially since the EVER single winner was already predicted perfectly.

1.  Tina and Robert thank you for the only well written, thought-out, and intelligent humor of the entire showcase.  Brilliant timing and a slow burning joke about the long history of actor vs writer.  Great moment from a boring overall show.

Best writing (and acting)

Now five things for the 83rd Oscars.

5.   NO MORE DANCING!!!  Come up with something new.  How about dragging out comedians to do there “renditions” of Oscar songs.  Or have kids come out and sing them.  Steal from the beer companies – use animals.  Wouldn’t it be cool to have a big ol’ Orangutan playing with one of the Oscar songs playing in the background.  Just something better then interpretive dance.

That’s Adorable!

4.  Finally ad the best Stunt award.  The people that bust there asses while the pretty celebs sit around.  These guys and gals deserve a bit more respect and you know how much fun explosives, high-wire acts, and more explosions can have on a show.  I mean talk about fun times.  Imagine little bombs going off for the winner of BEST STUNT COORDINATION.

3.  Keep the “friends” of best actor and actress intros.  That bit is not perfect, but listening to Forest talk up Sandra Bullock was awesome. How about Oprah making Gabs cry!!  That is great TV.  Tim Robbins banter with Morgan Freeman was genius.  “Go get me a coffee…Ted.”  The best line of the whole Oscars.  These two gents just work well together.

2.  Spice things up, pick an unknown film.  You’ve extended the list to ten films.  You still represent foreign films with there own category.  But how about these films from 09′ that deserved a little notice.

Sin Nombre, The White Ribbon, In the Loop, and where the hell was the love for the Burning Plain?

Ok so maybe I’m a big fan of Arriaga’s work.  This film was amazing.

Don’t get me wrong Hurt Locker deserved best picture, but I was a bit disappointed that there wasn’t a bit more variety in the choices.  An Education wasn’t really a great film (just really well acted by Mulligan and you gave her a nomination).   I guess this is a futile argument.  I mean taste is a difficult thing to judge.  I just was a bit shocked that the 10 nomination change this year didn’t have a single “surprise” pick.  I mean WE ALL KNEW who would win.  The only fear was that Avatar would take home the big awards.  Thank fully the voters saw past the blue crap and gave Bigelow her just rewards.  I guess I’m asking for a bit more of a different feel from all the awards show that go before the Oscars.  Make a stand and pick something that hasn’t been picked.  The Burning Plain should have been nominated in at least best screenplay.

1.  ONE host.  And let him or her do the entire show.  I loved the whole Alec and Steve thing, but then you didn’t even let them “own” the show.  Allow one person to do everything.  Remember how we all LOVED when Billy Crystal would take us on an Oscar Journey?

So here is a short list of people to think about for HOST OF THE 83rd Oscars!!

3.  Zach Galifianakis – did you catch him on SNL the night before the Oscars.  He was genius, best episode of SNL in a LONG TIME.  Hangover was a HUGE hit and Zach style is so dry humored it would be genius. Marijuana Santa Claus you have my vote!

2.  CONAN.  COCO !!!

Hey he’s not busy right now, sign him up now and make the 2011 Oscars all about the red-headed wonder!!!  Also a great way to keep the whole NBC debacle on our minds and lets face it Conan would be BRILLIANT!.   Now I know it may piss off Jimmy Kimmel a bit that Conan is on JK’s station.  But imagine the two of them on the post-oscar JK show.  COULD be comic GOLD!

1.  Tina Fey.  She is already the most beloved lady on TV.

We haven’t had a lady host since Whoopi did it.  And Tina is most deserving of the chance to carry the torch for the Oscars.

In the end the show was meh!  I still will love you though and tune in next year.

Sincerely, Your Buddy.




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