Week 4 NFL Picks

4 10 2009

Greetings from a location somewhere in the desert.  While everyone else is having a great time and staying culturally-relevant at Austin City Limits, I’m picking football games from a Residence Inn.  You can’t win them all.  The good news is that the Cowboys game will be on local TV on Sunday, so I won’t have to fight through the mass of humanity to watch the game at Buffalo Wild Wings.  So, between that and 107 degree temperatures, I’d say things are looking up.  After all, it’s a dry heat.

As always, take these picks with a grain of salt (although, I have been doing pretty well lately…)

Oakland (+9) over Houston:

Here’s where the formula calls for me to make a joke about the Raiders.  It’s just too easy.  That being said, the Raiders were wise to pass on Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson in 2006 for JaMarcus Russell.  Also, I think the most underrated aspect of the Michael Trab-tree saga is that it was the Raiders that threw a monkey-wrench into the draft and Crabtree’s ego with an unjustifiable overdraft of Darrius Heyward-Bey.  Just saying…

Tennessee (-3) over Jacksonville:

Tennessee gets off the schneid and delays version 2.0 of the Vince Young era for another week.  The Titans can’t feel good about a 36-year old quarterback that went 0-13 down the stretch against the Jets last week, can they?  Collins is so old that I still remember one of my best friends busting out a Kerry Collins Panthers jersey in 6th grade.  I was still a year away from purchasing a Jay Novacek model.  That’s how old Kerry Collins is.

Baltimore (+2) over New England:

Last week proved the Patriots weren’t dead.  This week proves that the Ravens are the team to beat in the AFC, and maybe the NFL.

Cincinnati (-6) over Cleveland
NY Giants (-8.5) over Kansas City
Buffalo (-1.5) over Miami:

Between Eric Mangini in Cleveland, Todd Haley in Kansas City and Tony Sparano in Miami, are we ready to admit that maybe the Parcells/Belichick disciples aren’t nearly as good as the real thing?  The world doesn’t need a whole cadre of angry/secretive head coaches, all of whom seem like they’re trying to come off a little tougher than they actually are.  If I can see through it, chances are the players can too.

Since I cheated and lumped 3 games into one category, here are two things that made me feel old this week:

1. A 19 year-old Hooters waitress not having a clue who DJ Jazzy Jeff was and even asking “does he work at a club downtown?”  (For the record, I didn’t choose Hooters, my co-workers did.  But I do enjoy their gourmet hot dog and curly fries.)

2. Hearing Jay-Z’s “Dirt off Your Shoulder” and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s “The Next Episode” play back-to-back on the “classic” Hip-Hop station. 

I was in High School or college when these came out.  What’s next, The Strokes on classic rock stations?

Detroit (+10) over Chicago:

Congratulations, Detroit.  Your suffering is over. Also, thank you for allowing me to make fun of one of my friends’ first win in our fantasy football league by comparing it to your win last week.  Keep it classy, Detroit.  Speaking of fantasy football, is there anything better for busting balls than the combination of yahoo allowing users to upload pictures for their team logos and the advent of facebook?  For example, the new trend in my league is to name your team after an embarrassing girlfriend or experience from the past and supplement the team name with an embarrassing picture of whatever female was involved.  It never fails.  And, it leads to funny matchups like Dodged a Bullet (picture of high school girlfriend and her new baby) against Stinky Fingers (picture of high school girlfriend who had an issue with, well you get the picture).  I really feel like we’ve reached a new high in fantasy football.  Thank you facebook and yahoo.

Tampa Bay (+7.5) over Washington:

Over the past 2 weeks, the Redskins have scored a combined 23 points against Detroit and St. Louis, who have combined for 3 wins since the start of the 2008 season.  I’m not buying them winning by more than a touchdown over any team, not even winless Tampa Bay.  If Al Davis weren’t still a punchline, would there be a better owner to make fun of than Dan Snyder?  He constantly makes big free-agent splashes, hires bad coaches and continues to set his team up for failure.  Actually, that sounds a little like Jerry Jones, so I’ll have to make it worse…(thinking)…and he constantly insists on hanging out with Tom Cruise.  Whew, that was close.

Indianapolis (-10) over Seattle:

Boring matchup, so I’ll go with a movie review.  Like I often do while traveling, I went (solo) to see a movie last night, taking in The Invention of Lying.  First a quick review of the upcoming attractions from “Trailer Evaluating Man”:

The Box: Funny title, so I’m in.

The Men Who Stare At Goats (Can’t believe this isn’t the title that leads to most immature jokes…well done, The Box): In.

Tooth Fairy: The Rock’s a hockey player?  Wow, didn’t see him doing a bad children’s movie in which he starts out as a womanizing athlete.  Who saw this coming?  What’s that?  He’s also the tooth fairy?  Well, that changes everything.  This could be the worst movie ever made.  Seriously.

Everybody’s Fine: DeNiro plays an aging widower.  I’m in.  Nice to see he and Jack Nicholson embracing their advancing age and choosing roles that fit.  It’s better than the alternative, an epidemic I like to refer to as the Steven Tyler Syndrome.

On to the main attraction: I expected a lot from the Invention of Lying, and while the plot was very intelligent and creative, Ricky Gervais was great (as always) and Jennifer Garner looked outstanding, I must say I was a little disappointed.  I think it was just a little too ambitious of a premise, and the finished product didn’t quite pull it off.  Still worth seeing if you’re bored, but I won’t be stopping down for it when I see it on the DVD rack or on cable.

NY Jets (+7) over New Orleans:

I love the New Orleans offense, but this should be a pretty good test for them. I still think New Orleans wins, but it will be close.  Also, after 3 weeks of making fun of the Jets, I’ll refrain.  I still think they’re overrated, though…

St. Louis (+9.5) over San Francisco:

I think the 49ers are for real, but without Frank Gore and coming off one of the most heartbreaking losses in recent memory, watch for the Niners to come out a little sluggish.

Dallas (-3) over Denver:

I’m a Cowboys homer, granted, but I think Denver is a pretty overrated 3-0.  This game should be the Broncos first real test, and I think Dallas should take care of business, even with Tashard Choice carrying the load.  Sorry, Drew.

San Diego (+6) over Pittsburgh:

Phillip Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were all drafted in the first round of the 2004 draft. No, seriously.  If you want to get hammered on Sunday night, take a drink each time this is referenced in the NBC broadcast.

Green Bay (+3.5) over Minnesota:

Brett Favre.  Brett Favre.  Brett Favre.  Kill me.

Last Week: 9-7
Overall (3 weeks): 28-20 (.583)




2 responses

6 10 2009
Nick Carraway

3-11. Kick ass.

11 10 2009

Who’s laughin’ now, biznatch?!(Did I really just write “biznatch”?)

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