NFL Week One Picks

11 09 2009

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

In an attempt to flex my intellectual muscles, here are my week 1 picks, Pearl Snap Discount-style.  You’ll notice the football commentary occasionally gets trumped by, well, other things.

 

Oh, and in an attempt to be totally up front, I suck at picking football games.  First of all, I don’t gamble.  I watch a ton of football, tell myself I have a better than average IQ (football and otherwise), but routinely fail at picking games.

 

I haven’t felt good about picking against the spread since I was 10 and beat up on all the dudes at my mom’s work in their football pool.  The $120 a week was awesome, but as I gorged on Fun Dip and stocked up on packs of 1992 Upper Deck, I learned two important lessons. 

   
1. The dudes at my mom’s work were clearly idiots. I really would have loved to hear those guys explain to their wives where their lunch money was going that week.


2. It’s tough to peak at 10.  Luckily, I’ve avoided the rehab trap that caught so many other child stars.  So far.

 

Fast forward to when I was in college, one of my best friends, let’s call him “Big Steve” bet on football games and always came to me, my clique’s resident sports nerd, for advice.  He ended up down about $1000 and avoiding his bookie/Manager at Chili’s for the rest of the semester.

 

That’s a long-winded way of saying, take these with a grain of salt.

 

Tennessee (+6) over Pittsburgh

 

Full Disclosure: I’m watching this game while working on the rest of my picks.  I did, however, put my pick for the early game in before it started.   How dare you question my integrity.

 

So far, no answer to the biggest Ben Roethlisberger question of the off-season: Is he using blonde hair coloring?  Seriously, someone needs to examine this.

 

Dallas (-6) over Tampa Bay

 

Ok, so I’m a Cowboys homer.  And, for the record, I’m picking them to go 11-5 this season.  As objectively as possible, though, I don’t see a team led by Byron Leftwich with an offensive coordinator who has been on the job for less time than most of the items in my refrigerator have been there getting anything done against what should be a pretty solid defense.  Of course, I thought Dallas would be Philadelphia last December…

 

San Francisco (+6.5) over Arizona

 

Maybe I’m just buying into the gospel of Mike Singletary.  Maybe I’m afraid Seabass would yell at me if I didn’t pick his ‘Niners.  Maybe I’m having a hard time buying the Cards duplicating last year’s offensive explosion with Ken Whisenhunt wanting to bring a more balanced attack to the table.  Maybe I can’t stop laughing at Deion Sanders’ letting me know that a “phong is ringing” and that “it’s Michael Trabtree” on the line.  Regardless, give me the Trabtree-less 49ers.

 

Atlanta (-4) over Miami

 

In the battle of last year’s surprise playoff teams, I’ll pick Atlanta.  The Dolphins were a very average team last year without the Wildcat gimmick, and despite my never-ending love for all things Parcells, Miami looks like the prime candidate for a reverse-bounceback year. 

 

Baltimore (-13) over Kansas City

 

It’s not that Baltimore is that good, it’s just that Kansas City, especially if Matt Cassel is down, is that bad.  Since I have nothing else witty or otherwise useful to add, check out my new favorite Twitter feed: @shitmydadsays.  I think all of us with dads can relate.

 

Denver (+4) over Cincinnati

 

Really?  Cincinnati is favored by 4?  Really?  I get it, everyone hates Josh McDaniels and thinks Kyle Orton should grow back the neckbeard.  Carson Palmer is back and Chad (insert joke here) is tweeting from the sideline and while that’s all well and good, no thanks, Cincinnati. 

  

Green Bay (-3.5) over Chicago

                                                           

Two of the most off-season hyped teams squaring off in a traditional NFC North battle…count me in.  “Jay Cutler…blah, blah, blah.  Ghost of Brett Favre…etc…NFC Norris, smash-mouth football, yada, yada, yada.”  There, I saved us all the trouble of having to watch the pre-game show.    

 

Houston (-4.5) over NY Jets

 

Anyone else think Mark Sanchez is terribly overrated?  Was he really that good at USC, or is it just me?  I’m setting the over/under at 11-26 for 130 yards and 2 INT.

 

Indianapolis (-7) over Jacksonville

 

I don’t have much to say about this one, so a quick aside. 

 

I recently worked with someone who had Hunt as her last name.  No big deal, until she made an off-hand remark about her husband.  Mike.  That’s right.  Mike Hunt.   It was like torture trying not to laugh anytime she referenced him after that.  Seriously, someone should have given me a medal.  Anyway, it led to the most awkward exchange between my mother and me I can ever remember.

 

Me (quietly, to my stepfather): “…and he actually goes by Mike”

Mom (entering the room at the worst possible time): “What’s so funny about that?”

Me (doing a spit-take): Come on, Mom.  Mike Hunt.

Mom: “What’s so funny about Mike Hunt?”

Me (redfaced): “Think about it.”

Mom (louder): “What’s so funny about Mike Hunt”

 

This continued for a good 3 minutes.  I think I wet my pants and did The Worm at the same time.  Welcome to my life.

 

Minnesota (-4) over Cleveland

 

Did you hear the Vikings acquired a quarterback this offseason?  It’s true.  Let the Sage Rosenfels era officially begin.

 

Carolina (+1.5) over Philadelphia

 

I hate the Eagles.  So much so that I would pick a team whose quarterback is still wearing Depends after his performance in last year’s playoffs.  I never said I was good at picking games. 

 

Detroit (+13) over New Orleans

 

I don’t think Matt Stafford and the Lions will have a great game, but against New Orleans’ shaky secondary, this one could at least be interesting.  Fantasy players everywhere should be reaping benefits from this game.  Speaking of fantasy football, big matchup between my squad and Drewseph’s this week in the PSD league.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

 

NY Giants (-6.5) over Washington

 

Another big free agent signing for the Redskins this offseason.  Another disappointing season in store for the Redskins.  Another lawsuit against a season ticket-holding grandmother.  The Dan Snyder era is in full force.

 

St. Louis (+8.5) over Seattle

 

Two questions:

1.     Can you name any player on either team?  Those drafted in your fantasy league don’t count.

2.     Which quarterback gets hurt first?

 

New England (-11) over Buffalo

 

Poor Trent Edwards.

 

San Diego (-9.5) over Oakland

 

Which punchline works better: Shawne Merriman or Al Davis?  Just to recap, so far this off-season in Oakland, a head coach who earned his job with an 11-35 record as the head coach at the University of Idaho punched one of his assistants and the club’s owner/GM/senile grandfather traded a 2011 first rounder for an aging defensive lineman who hasn’t reported to the team yet and could retire.  It’s a run-on sentence, but the jokes write themselves.

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One response

11 09 2009
Gadi

Nicky Boy – Well Done on your first post. Welcome to the team. Keep’em Coming!!!!

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